There Are No Words

I have no words to write this post.  No one does. The events that happened yesterday at Silver Rail Elementary are horrific and unimaginable.  My heart is broken as a person, a mother, and a community member.

However, as a clinician, I am motivated to step up and help.  I have extensive experience providing evidence-based treatments to children and adults who have experienced trauma.  I worked on the Trauma Team at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles and also delivered trauma services to children in the Los Angeles Unified School District. So, I feel called to provide support to our community.

So where to start?

First, a few words of hope and support from myself and Dr. Logan Clausen, the director of COPA.  Click here to listen to a short interview we participated in last night. 

Second, the community is coming together to provide resources and we will only see more and more becoming available in the weeks to come. 

But let me say a few words for you to hold on to in the next few weeks. 

What You Might Notice in Your Children (or Yourselves)

o   The first few weeks after a trauma like this, it is normal for all of us to be experiencing a wide range of symptoms.  Expect to see changes in children’s mood, eating habits, sleep, concentration, or behavior.  All of this makes sense as they try to process what has happened.  Over time, if these symptoms do not resolve, that is the time to seek help. 

o   Fundamentally though, trust your parental instincts.  If you are concerned that your child is not coping well.  Please don’t wait to seek help.  Reach out immediately.

o   Some symptoms may be more severe – unable to sleep, unable to regulate emotions, extreme fear/panic attacks, suicidal ideation or urges.  If symptoms reach a place that you feel your child is unable to regulate or you are unable to keep them safe, please take them to the Deschutes County Crisis Center or the nearest Emergency Room.

o   In contrast, your child may also seem perfectly fine.  If they seem totally normal and just want to play video games and hang out with friends – don’t over-interpret this as a bad thing!  Kids are resilient and they do best with routine and normalcy.  Just keep a close eye on them and parent as usual.

What Can You Do?

o   Provide normal, consistent Routine.  It totally makes sense that you may want to focus on closeness and togetherness right now.  Do so!  But also, maintain routines such as meals, bedtimes, family activities, etc.  If your child wants to attend planned extracurriculars, that is okay.  If they feel better staying home right now, that is also okay.

o   Allow them space to talk.  The best thing we can do is not hide or shut things down.  If your child asks a question, answer it.  If your child is scared, sit with them in their fear.  Their fears are valid and deserve space.

o   The best thing you can do is be honest.  When children are left to figure things out on their own, they often make thinking errors and imagine things that could even be worse than the awful reality.

o   However, please do limit the information shared to age-appropriate level of information. What your middle schooler can process is different than your younger children.  This means limiting conversations in the presence of younger children. This also means limiting news and social media coverage in front of younger children.

o   Finally, allow space for their emotions and questions, but avoid forcing conversations or spending all day focused on the event.  This means, do not spend hours and hours talking about the same fears, questions, or memories.  Allow space, validate, support your child, but then redirect to activities that bring joy, comfort, and normalcy.  Spending too long in the negative thinking only breeds more negative thinking.

Those are my initial thoughts today in the aftermath less than 24 hours after this horrible tragedy.  I will likely be sharing more resources in the days to come.  Tonight I will be hosting a meeting with local clinicians at my office to discuss ways we can best support our community.  I will keep you posted.

In the meantime, here are a few handouts that I created that you may find helpful.  Feel free to share with friends.